if you have ever wondered.
suicidal contemplation is antagonizing.
I did many different things this week.
Crossed all the items of my bucket list off. Had sex with strangers. Saw things i've wanted.
Tackled the hardest climb of my life.


And it still. feels so dead inside.
Last night I sat staring at my arm. it was wrapped up, ready to inject this shit ready to just end my existence once and for all. But then I guess I fell asleep, and I saw her.

She said "Don't do it Babe. Don't. You need to finish what I started please baby, I can't have anyone else suffer like this..."
And then..
I dunno I chickeed out.


I'm drunk.
I'm drunk I'm confused.
I don't know what my life is. I got fired from my job for the week I took off.
I have nothing.
Adam is gone. His house is emptied and everyone is gone.


Look.
Guys.
If anyone still reads this.

I don't want to be alone when I end it.
Can...someone message me?
My skype is MattTob15..
I just don't want to be alone. 

Done.

There have been men staking out my house for 3 days now.
Thursday it was a woman and a man
Friday it was 2 men
tonight it's 2 men.
their cars have these weird little symbols on them like a triangle ontop of a circle or something. Can't really make it out anymore. But ever since she passed away, I've been feeling nervous constantly, always looking over my shoulder.

I don't think I can keep up the charade anymore. I don't want to live anymore, I'm constantly paranoid. Adam has abandoned me. My parents won't talk to me. No one has messaged me in days.
I am ready to just die, and with this fucking drug nearby....
I'm gonna do it This is going to be my last week on earth. But I'm gonna do what Veronica wanted me to do and live my life to the fullest. Do everything I wanted to.


I'm so sick of life.
I wish Adam would just answer my calls....

It's not any easier

I've been to my therapist.
A lot.

Wake up, eat, see Hemswoth go home sleep.
I still feel so empty inside.
Look I don't know what's been happening with Adam, he keeps trying to call me, I don't even want to think about him. Veronica is dead, my mother lives 4 states away.
I still have the...Ecto.
I know a lot fo you readers have told me not to.
But I don't know what else to do.


I went to church Sunday...prayed my fucking hardest....I still feel dead.
I'm going to inject I think.
There must have been...a reason why she did this...maybe this will help?

If anyone has any experience in their life with drugs, and...can help me? Could someone help me? I just want this pain to dull. Haha, might as well engage the same fate that she did right?

EDIT:
I never could figure out the password for that file.
I just don't even care.
She left me and then killed herself.

I almost deleted this blog.

I..don't have much to say.
August 10th..
Adam found Veronica in his guest room, this must have been...5 hours after she left here...
She had emptied an entire bottle of that black goo into her veins and apparently died..
of an overdose.Sorry Im not reall here right now.
The shock of her being ngone is still.
I'll never smell her hair again, or see her face. I'll..
You guys like puzzles and ever since she made me watch that video..things have been weird for me. snippets, vision, memories. I don't know..or really understand whats happening...but. There was  a flash drive ducttaped to her hand.This was the file on it. I feel like..I feel like you guys can crack it?
I don't know who "you guys" are..but..I think this will help me?

I decided not to take the black goo...
I keep typing "Ecto" I don't know why...it's all really strange and too much is happening...I'm just realy scared, and alone, and Adam won't talk to me. He told me to leave him alone for a while...
So I'm alone...
I have to schedule an appointment with Dr. Hemswoth first thing in the morning...
I feel like i'm not too far behind Veronica...
fuck..

She left me Wedsnesday night. Packed her bags and went with Adam.
Adam wasn't too happy either.
He kept whispering shit to her and then raising his voice and hitting the wall.
I've been doing nothing the past two days but drinking and crying.
I finally..finally had the girl of my dreams in my arms.
And she is gone now.
I feel so empty.
I hate to be the kind of person that bitches about their heartbreak but...but it just hurts so much...
She said there were things she had to do with her life and that I was holding her back.
That she needed a person who could do better than I could.
Everything she said was so..,needlessly...cruel.
She said things, made fun of insecurities of mine. Even told me how she fucked multiple guys behind my back...But what annoys me What REALLY pisses me off. is how she had the gall to fucking CRY through every sentence. Like she was so sad that she had to be a cheating bitch.
She hurt me more than any person ever has.
I just..
...
She left her kit here. This disgusting fucking drug. This cause of all my grief. This fucking oozing pile of shit.
What's the appeal of it even?
What does it do?
I'm half tempted to..
meh I'm not drunk enough yet.

Just what is she up to...

So, Veronica called me into her room today..
She said to me "Hey, do.. you remember this?"
and played for me this old youtube video.

Warning: it's kind of disturbing so don't watch if you have a weak stomach or just are easily creeped out..

After she showed me the video I felt weird. Like, I've seen this video countless times...but for some reason after watching this video I started thinking of a bunch of other weird videos all at once and I don't know...some how I started feeling really overwhelmed with all these....visions of just weird shit I had seen hitting me all at once.. and it gave me such a headache.
I guess I fell backwards and passed out all at once. Veronica was over me, she was crying and dabbing blood off of my nose.
In my weird...state I looked up at her, and I still don't know why I said it, but I asked her if she stilled liked hearing my name.

The smile she gave...
She kissed me again and said "yes, I do baby, I'm glad you can remember that.."
But remember what?
I..I don't even know why I asked that...
She's starting to scare me a little too much...

I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

I don't really care about this journal anymore, I'm only writing because it helps me cope with the bullshit.
Veronica has been barely talking to me.
She stays locked up in the spare bedroom just on her computer.
She won't stop doing whatever it is she is doing...
When she was asleep I snuck into her room and saw her discord open.
She was using the name "Turnip" ? I don't know She was talking about ARG's with her friends. Some crude some not.
I don't know, I really don't I'm lost as to what she is doing, why isn't she including me? Is she just cheating on me?
IT'S SO FUCKING INFURIATING.
She hasn't STOPPED. She won't kiss me, won't talk to me, just taps away at her keyboard. When I grabbed her and asked her. She said "Look, I can't explain it to you. But It's for you Matthew, just..let me work." With that she slides out of my arms and goes back into her room.

I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore.