Done.

There have been men staking out my house for 3 days now.
Thursday it was a woman and a man
Friday it was 2 men
tonight it's 2 men.
their cars have these weird little symbols on them like a triangle ontop of a circle or something. Can't really make it out anymore. But ever since she passed away, I've been feeling nervous constantly, always looking over my shoulder.

I don't think I can keep up the charade anymore. I don't want to live anymore, I'm constantly paranoid. Adam has abandoned me. My parents won't talk to me. No one has messaged me in days.
I am ready to just die, and with this fucking drug nearby....
I'm gonna do it This is going to be my last week on earth. But I'm gonna do what Veronica wanted me to do and live my life to the fullest. Do everything I wanted to.


I'm so sick of life.
I wish Adam would just answer my calls....

It's not any easier

I've been to my therapist.
A lot.

Wake up, eat, see Hemswoth go home sleep.
I still feel so empty inside.
Look I don't know what's been happening with Adam, he keeps trying to call me, I don't even want to think about him. Veronica is dead, my mother lives 4 states away.
I still have the...Ecto.
I know a lot fo you readers have told me not to.
But I don't know what else to do.


I went to church Sunday...prayed my fucking hardest....I still feel dead.
I'm going to inject I think.
There must have been...a reason why she did this...maybe this will help?

If anyone has any experience in their life with drugs, and...can help me? Could someone help me? I just want this pain to dull. Haha, might as well engage the same fate that she did right?

EDIT:
I never could figure out the password for that file.
I just don't even care.
She left me and then killed herself.

I almost deleted this blog.

I..don't have much to say.
August 10th..
Adam found Veronica in his guest room, this must have been...5 hours after she left here...
She had emptied an entire bottle of that black goo into her veins and apparently died..
of an overdose.Sorry Im not reall here right now.
The shock of her being ngone is still.
I'll never smell her hair again, or see her face. I'll..
You guys like puzzles and ever since she made me watch that video..things have been weird for me. snippets, vision, memories. I don't know..or really understand whats happening...but. There was  a flash drive ducttaped to her hand.This was the file on it. I feel like..I feel like you guys can crack it?
I don't know who "you guys" are..but..I think this will help me?

I decided not to take the black goo...
I keep typing "Ecto" I don't know why...it's all really strange and too much is happening...I'm just realy scared, and alone, and Adam won't talk to me. He told me to leave him alone for a while...
So I'm alone...
I have to schedule an appointment with Dr. Hemswoth first thing in the morning...
I feel like i'm not too far behind Veronica...
fuck..

She left me Wedsnesday night. Packed her bags and went with Adam.
Adam wasn't too happy either.
He kept whispering shit to her and then raising his voice and hitting the wall.
I've been doing nothing the past two days but drinking and crying.
I finally..finally had the girl of my dreams in my arms.
And she is gone now.
I feel so empty.
I hate to be the kind of person that bitches about their heartbreak but...but it just hurts so much...
She said there were things she had to do with her life and that I was holding her back.
That she needed a person who could do better than I could.
Everything she said was so..,needlessly...cruel.
She said things, made fun of insecurities of mine. Even told me how she fucked multiple guys behind my back...But what annoys me What REALLY pisses me off. is how she had the gall to fucking CRY through every sentence. Like she was so sad that she had to be a cheating bitch.
She hurt me more than any person ever has.
I just..
...
She left her kit here. This disgusting fucking drug. This cause of all my grief. This fucking oozing pile of shit.
What's the appeal of it even?
What does it do?
I'm half tempted to..
meh I'm not drunk enough yet.

Just what is she up to...

So, Veronica called me into her room today..
She said to me "Hey, do.. you remember this?"
and played for me this old youtube video.

Warning: it's kind of disturbing so don't watch if you have a weak stomach or just are easily creeped out..

After she showed me the video I felt weird. Like, I've seen this video countless times...but for some reason after watching this video I started thinking of a bunch of other weird videos all at once and I don't know...some how I started feeling really overwhelmed with all these....visions of just weird shit I had seen hitting me all at once.. and it gave me such a headache.
I guess I fell backwards and passed out all at once. Veronica was over me, she was crying and dabbing blood off of my nose.
In my weird...state I looked up at her, and I still don't know why I said it, but I asked her if she stilled liked hearing my name.

The smile she gave...
She kissed me again and said "yes, I do baby, I'm glad you can remember that.."
But remember what?
I..I don't even know why I asked that...
She's starting to scare me a little too much...

I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

I don't really care about this journal anymore, I'm only writing because it helps me cope with the bullshit.
Veronica has been barely talking to me.
She stays locked up in the spare bedroom just on her computer.
She won't stop doing whatever it is she is doing...
When she was asleep I snuck into her room and saw her discord open.
She was using the name "Turnip" ? I don't know She was talking about ARG's with her friends. Some crude some not.
I don't know, I really don't I'm lost as to what she is doing, why isn't she including me? Is she just cheating on me?
IT'S SO FUCKING INFURIATING.
She hasn't STOPPED. She won't kiss me, won't talk to me, just taps away at her keyboard. When I grabbed her and asked her. She said "Look, I can't explain it to you. But It's for you Matthew, just..let me work." With that she slides out of my arms and goes back into her room.

I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore.

She's been crying a lot. :/

She won't tell me what's going on exactly, but she won't let go of me, and she keeps playing shit at high volume again. I called Adam and he came over and we kept her busy enough to turn down the music without it bothering her and things were good for a bit. Adam's been staying with us. Even though Lisa is pregnant...I guess Lisa understands what's going on...? I don't know.

Yesterday, though, she had a fucking fit. She took out her kit, grabbed her syringes and just stared at them, dragging the needle up and down her arm. She was fucking pouring with sweat. I kept trying to take it away from her, she looked fucking psychotic. She didn't even respond. just kept doing it...I lost my temper and said something I've regretted saying since. "Stop this bullshit, or I'm leaving you Veronica. I'm sick of it." As soon as those words left me, I tried to apologize, but she fucking lost it, she started saying sorry over and over and over and threw her syringes at the wall and started slapping her head repeatedly. It was such a surreal scene...was this really the girl I've known my whole life? I tried to restrain her, and that's when Adam burst in. He grabbed one of the needles and methodically injected her with it. Like it was something he has always done.

Today she's fine. she fucked me this morning. something was off about it though, I can't explain it.
And then now she has locked herself up in our room. popping out only sometimes to give me a kiss.
She said something though, not but an hour ago that has been bothering me. "You nourish me. You fill a void that has been empty too long...I'm so glad you can read my messages...even though you don't know you can..."

Like what the fuck does that mean?

Dream update.

Veronica is home, and everything is happy
Is what I wish I could say...Veronica is home, sure, but she is so paranoid and jumpy that not much is helping, we bought her some sleeping pills to try to calm her down when she gets too jumpy but.. I don't like the thought of drugging up my girlfriend just to calm her down.
She has had enough shit pumped into her anyway. Anyway we're just taking it slow. Lisa and Adam are gone. Lisa I guess couldn't handle a couple of nights at her moms house or something, and Adam just needed a break. I guess they are going to a religious retreat?

I don't know. What I DO know, is that Veronica is jumpy, scared and paranoid. I'm a wreck from worrying over this girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Having said all this though I did have a dream last night. it was a really odd one too.

I remember I was in a dark room by myself watching t.v. on a crusty couch. I don't remember what I was watching but I remember that it was British. The T.v. suddenly started flickering and a man wearing a rubber mask was on T.V. His voice was distorted but..that's not the weird part. He kept slapping the inside of the T.V. glass with a fly swatter. And he kept screaming something like "ORDER PAY ATTENTION TO THE ORDER"  Before I woke up.
It was really weird