if you have ever wondered.
suicidal contemplation is antagonizing.
I did many different things this week.
Crossed all the items of my bucket list off. Had sex with strangers. Saw things i've wanted.
Tackled the hardest climb of my life.


And it still. feels so dead inside.
Last night I sat staring at my arm. it was wrapped up, ready to inject this shit ready to just end my existence once and for all. But then I guess I fell asleep, and I saw her.

She said "Don't do it Babe. Don't. You need to finish what I started please baby, I can't have anyone else suffer like this..."
And then..
I dunno I chickeed out.


I'm drunk.
I'm drunk I'm confused.
I don't know what my life is. I got fired from my job for the week I took off.
I have nothing.
Adam is gone. His house is emptied and everyone is gone.


Look.
Guys.
If anyone still reads this.

I don't want to be alone when I end it.
Can...someone message me?
My skype is MattTob15..
I just don't want to be alone. 

Done.

There have been men staking out my house for 3 days now.
Thursday it was a woman and a man
Friday it was 2 men
tonight it's 2 men.
their cars have these weird little symbols on them like a triangle ontop of a circle or something. Can't really make it out anymore. But ever since she passed away, I've been feeling nervous constantly, always looking over my shoulder.

I don't think I can keep up the charade anymore. I don't want to live anymore, I'm constantly paranoid. Adam has abandoned me. My parents won't talk to me. No one has messaged me in days.
I am ready to just die, and with this fucking drug nearby....
I'm gonna do it This is going to be my last week on earth. But I'm gonna do what Veronica wanted me to do and live my life to the fullest. Do everything I wanted to.


I'm so sick of life.
I wish Adam would just answer my calls....

It's not any easier

I've been to my therapist.
A lot.

Wake up, eat, see Hemswoth go home sleep.
I still feel so empty inside.
Look I don't know what's been happening with Adam, he keeps trying to call me, I don't even want to think about him. Veronica is dead, my mother lives 4 states away.
I still have the...Ecto.
I know a lot fo you readers have told me not to.
But I don't know what else to do.


I went to church Sunday...prayed my fucking hardest....I still feel dead.
I'm going to inject I think.
There must have been...a reason why she did this...maybe this will help?

If anyone has any experience in their life with drugs, and...can help me? Could someone help me? I just want this pain to dull. Haha, might as well engage the same fate that she did right?

EDIT:
I never could figure out the password for that file.
I just don't even care.
She left me and then killed herself.

I almost deleted this blog.

I..don't have much to say.
August 10th..
Adam found Veronica in his guest room, this must have been...5 hours after she left here...
She had emptied an entire bottle of that black goo into her veins and apparently died..
of an overdose.Sorry Im not reall here right now.
The shock of her being ngone is still.
I'll never smell her hair again, or see her face. I'll..
You guys like puzzles and ever since she made me watch that video..things have been weird for me. snippets, vision, memories. I don't know..or really understand whats happening...but. There was  a flash drive ducttaped to her hand.This was the file on it. I feel like..I feel like you guys can crack it?
I don't know who "you guys" are..but..I think this will help me?

I decided not to take the black goo...
I keep typing "Ecto" I don't know why...it's all really strange and too much is happening...I'm just realy scared, and alone, and Adam won't talk to me. He told me to leave him alone for a while...
So I'm alone...
I have to schedule an appointment with Dr. Hemswoth first thing in the morning...
I feel like i'm not too far behind Veronica...
fuck..

She left me Wedsnesday night. Packed her bags and went with Adam.
Adam wasn't too happy either.
He kept whispering shit to her and then raising his voice and hitting the wall.
I've been doing nothing the past two days but drinking and crying.
I finally..finally had the girl of my dreams in my arms.
And she is gone now.
I feel so empty.
I hate to be the kind of person that bitches about their heartbreak but...but it just hurts so much...
She said there were things she had to do with her life and that I was holding her back.
That she needed a person who could do better than I could.
Everything she said was so..,needlessly...cruel.
She said things, made fun of insecurities of mine. Even told me how she fucked multiple guys behind my back...But what annoys me What REALLY pisses me off. is how she had the gall to fucking CRY through every sentence. Like she was so sad that she had to be a cheating bitch.
She hurt me more than any person ever has.
I just..
...
She left her kit here. This disgusting fucking drug. This cause of all my grief. This fucking oozing pile of shit.
What's the appeal of it even?
What does it do?
I'm half tempted to..
meh I'm not drunk enough yet.

Just what is she up to...

So, Veronica called me into her room today..
She said to me "Hey, do.. you remember this?"
and played for me this old youtube video.

Warning: it's kind of disturbing so don't watch if you have a weak stomach or just are easily creeped out..

After she showed me the video I felt weird. Like, I've seen this video countless times...but for some reason after watching this video I started thinking of a bunch of other weird videos all at once and I don't know...some how I started feeling really overwhelmed with all these....visions of just weird shit I had seen hitting me all at once.. and it gave me such a headache.
I guess I fell backwards and passed out all at once. Veronica was over me, she was crying and dabbing blood off of my nose.
In my weird...state I looked up at her, and I still don't know why I said it, but I asked her if she stilled liked hearing my name.

The smile she gave...
She kissed me again and said "yes, I do baby, I'm glad you can remember that.."
But remember what?
I..I don't even know why I asked that...
She's starting to scare me a little too much...

I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

I don't really care about this journal anymore, I'm only writing because it helps me cope with the bullshit.
Veronica has been barely talking to me.
She stays locked up in the spare bedroom just on her computer.
She won't stop doing whatever it is she is doing...
When she was asleep I snuck into her room and saw her discord open.
She was using the name "Turnip" ? I don't know She was talking about ARG's with her friends. Some crude some not.
I don't know, I really don't I'm lost as to what she is doing, why isn't she including me? Is she just cheating on me?
IT'S SO FUCKING INFURIATING.
She hasn't STOPPED. She won't kiss me, won't talk to me, just taps away at her keyboard. When I grabbed her and asked her. She said "Look, I can't explain it to you. But It's for you Matthew, just..let me work." With that she slides out of my arms and goes back into her room.

I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore.

She's been crying a lot. :/

She won't tell me what's going on exactly, but she won't let go of me, and she keeps playing shit at high volume again. I called Adam and he came over and we kept her busy enough to turn down the music without it bothering her and things were good for a bit. Adam's been staying with us. Even though Lisa is pregnant...I guess Lisa understands what's going on...? I don't know.

Yesterday, though, she had a fucking fit. She took out her kit, grabbed her syringes and just stared at them, dragging the needle up and down her arm. She was fucking pouring with sweat. I kept trying to take it away from her, she looked fucking psychotic. She didn't even respond. just kept doing it...I lost my temper and said something I've regretted saying since. "Stop this bullshit, or I'm leaving you Veronica. I'm sick of it." As soon as those words left me, I tried to apologize, but she fucking lost it, she started saying sorry over and over and over and threw her syringes at the wall and started slapping her head repeatedly. It was such a surreal scene...was this really the girl I've known my whole life? I tried to restrain her, and that's when Adam burst in. He grabbed one of the needles and methodically injected her with it. Like it was something he has always done.

Today she's fine. she fucked me this morning. something was off about it though, I can't explain it.
And then now she has locked herself up in our room. popping out only sometimes to give me a kiss.
She said something though, not but an hour ago that has been bothering me. "You nourish me. You fill a void that has been empty too long...I'm so glad you can read my messages...even though you don't know you can..."

Like what the fuck does that mean?

Dream update.

Veronica is home, and everything is happy
Is what I wish I could say...Veronica is home, sure, but she is so paranoid and jumpy that not much is helping, we bought her some sleeping pills to try to calm her down when she gets too jumpy but.. I don't like the thought of drugging up my girlfriend just to calm her down.
She has had enough shit pumped into her anyway. Anyway we're just taking it slow. Lisa and Adam are gone. Lisa I guess couldn't handle a couple of nights at her moms house or something, and Adam just needed a break. I guess they are going to a religious retreat?

I don't know. What I DO know, is that Veronica is jumpy, scared and paranoid. I'm a wreck from worrying over this girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Having said all this though I did have a dream last night. it was a really odd one too.

I remember I was in a dark room by myself watching t.v. on a crusty couch. I don't remember what I was watching but I remember that it was British. The T.v. suddenly started flickering and a man wearing a rubber mask was on T.V. His voice was distorted but..that's not the weird part. He kept slapping the inside of the T.V. glass with a fly swatter. And he kept screaming something like "ORDER PAY ATTENTION TO THE ORDER"  Before I woke up.
It was really weird

Veronica was very secretive last night

Last night sucked.
From the beginning of the day. Til all of last night, she was on my computer.
She didn't let me see what she was up to, like at all. But that's pretty usual for her...
She screamed though, and a lot. It was really scary at first but then it just got kind of annoying.
Like she'd type something on her computer, furiously type something mind you and then she'd screamthree times... Maybe Veronica isn't as stable as I thought she was...? Fuck I don't know anymore. She's being discharged today, anyway, so what the fuck do I know?

Medical bills have all been paid for...I guess by her parents? But they haven't come to see her once.
I dunno i'm annoyed and tired, but by the same token. This morning Veronica got out of her bed, curled up into my arms and just slept against me. I think I've just resolved something in my head, I don't care how fucked up or crazy this family is. They were the only ones that stuck by me during school. She's the only woman I've ever had that doesn't....use me...She knows who I am, and what I like, she accepts them and encourages them.

Adam had always stood up for me, I'm not a musclar guy, I'm kind of a twig, I have some muscle sure. Working in a package factory will do that for you, but if it was between me and your regular joe. I feel like I'd lose. Adam though? Adam would always stand up for me, beat the shit out of anyone who picked on me. He would always say "Gotta protect one of your own."

Speaking of those two, I do remember this morning, after I was only barely awake, Veronica was whispering something to Adam while they were staring at me. Adam hesitated before nodding and walking out. He turned around and said. "Never ask me to do anything like this again." I think they thought I was asleep. I just stayed still for a while.

Anyway, I'll update later. Veronica is stirring, I don't want to wake her up with all my typing.

Adam is a moron.

Sorry, guys. I wasn't aware that he had done that.

I only noticed because my inbox blew up with comments this morning when it finally turned on.

But yeah, I remember npw her favorite Cipher being Railfence though. I don't know why I thought that it was One time pad?

Anyway, I will be down for a while. Veronica is still in the hospital but she is doing a lot better recently.

She'll be using my laptop while we're here. So I won't be posting anything for a couple of days.....She won't tell me what happened though..and Adam seems like he is hiding something too..man...I'm not fucking cut out for this. I can't say that enough.

Also what the fuck is this song? Why did so many people email me about how good it is?

It's not that great..

Edit: While, generally, I don't really approve of using someone's account. I feel like I have to correct my dear brother, and my bae Matthew.
It's neither Railfence, nor One Time Pad. My favorite code that I liked to crack was Vigenére, because there was so much that could be done with Vigenére.


;)

I won't be posting for a while...

Veronica is in the hospital...
Im gonna post from my phone, sorry for typos, im too tired to care.
About 4 am last night I woke uo to her screaming and holding her head. She wouldnt stop screaming, she started bleeding for her ears and nose and...i just....no one needs to feel as helpless as i did 6 hours ago.
Shes stable and not bleeding anymore, but the doctors dont knowwhen she will wake up or if she will, theyll be doing an MRI later today, I dont have the money to pay for all this....

Adam is here, he is laying on the couch in here, I let lisa have  the arn chair and i slept on the carpet, right next to her bed.
Im so tir3d from all thsi shit.

What a fucked dream.

I took what few comments I had yesterday and went through her phone.
Veronica is smart. She had no text messages, no emails, no nothing. That was uneventful.

I still think she is seeing other men or fucking her dealer. I don't know, first girlfriend I've ever had that shot up. She keeps telling me she loves me and that she'd never betray me, I just have this horrible image in my mind of her riding some junkie looking fucker in a hot tub of black sludge.
I know I'm probably just over reacting but what else am I supposed to think or do?

Veronica was on the computer pretty much all night. Granted she kept getting up kissing me and getting food or something, all while blasting music through her headphones, but she kept shutting our bedroom door, which is weird but maybe she just liked having the door shut? Odd thing is that whenever she was in the kitchen she would be looking out the window or peaking out of the blinds, she seemed really paranoid.

About 11 we curled up and watched "Stage Fright" It's a horror musical, and really shit. I asked her, playfully, what she was doing on the computer all night her response to my prodding was simply. "renewing my love for those puzzles we played." She smiled really...warmly to herself and then just cuddled up to my chest, and it was really nice. If the world had stopped in that moment, I would have been okay with that. However, life has a funny way of fucking up your mood, not but 30 minutes after we the movie ended she started shooting up. She actually made me draw the liquid for her. It was fucking gross. It had this awful..coagulated feeling that made me want to puke, and the SMELL it smelled like  a dead animal, it was disgusting. She then injected and then we went to bed.

That night I had a dream: I was in a factory on a catwalk, on an opposite end of this fat walrus in a suit who stood  on his tail fins and screamed down at the workers. He would demand things like "Jump" and they would jump. "Work faster!" Work Slower! Stop! Go!" shouting out hundreds of commands and the workers would just obey him. As the dream went on the commands started getting weirder "Get naked! chop of your finger! kill him! fuck her!" And the workers would just do exactly what this walrus would say. After a while of watching this fat fuck barking orders I noticed the Gangly man was standing behind the walrus, but still in the shadows. He held up a key and nodded his long head once before fading away. This next part is the part that horrified me, I can still feel my chest seizing up, even though I KNEW it was a dream... After Gangly Man faded the Walrus turned to me, his face suddenly getting MUCH closer to mine and he locked eyes with me. I couldn't turn away, I couldn't move I was completely stuck, The Walrus slowly smiled a very sinister...very horrifying grin and said "Hello" before I was shook awake by Veronica.

She asked if I was okay and if I had any dreams, I told her I was fine and that I have nightmares all the time. She didn't seem happy. She shot up again and then went in the computer room. She came back about 30 minutes later, curled up close and said something...I couldn't quite make it out. She was asleep before I could ask, but she didn't let go of my hand all night.

Oh and good news. my headaches are back, and they hurt like a fucking bitch.
One good day after another with me isn't it.

Dream update among other things.

I was woken up by Veronica who was already at it shooting up. I tried to take it away. She didn't scream, or freak out. She just held my head between her hands and said "Baby, I need it. I'm trying, but I need it. Give it back to me now."I just sighed and let go of the bag and let her finish her injection. Maybe I will just try it with her. It's obviously too difficult to fight for her. and the whenever she does go sober she ends up going "Somewhere" and coming back covered in the junk.

I asked Veronica where she went, and if she was fucking other men. She was angry about that last part, saying that I need to trust her, that how dare I think so low of her, I don't have the right to ask her that. Shit like that, apparently I ask inappropriate questions a lot. Not that I really think so, but what the fuck ever. So, anyway I still don't know where she has been, or what she has been up to.
She keeps checking her phone too, I want to snatch it from her but...I don't know. Guys, what do you think? Should I steal her phone and go through her mail and text messages? Is that a dirty tactic? I really don't know what to think anymore. I've never been in this sort of a position.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated, annoyed and pissed off that my girlfriend and best friend, of whom I've known basically my whole life, have this weird secret life that I'm only now finding out about it. I'm all sorts of twisted up inside because of this bullshit.

What am I saying, lol, you guys don't care about all the sob story. You guys just want my dreams...I guess that's the only reason you guys read the blog? lmao. You think it's an ARG or something? I don't know why else most of the traffic would come from /r/ARG? haha, its great though I remember playing ARG's, used to be REALLY into them, I haven't played one in ages. Veronica, Adam and I would all stay up and try to crack the codes and solve the clues. Veronica was always the best at cracking the codes, her favorite code to crack was something like one pad, I really don't remember much been a while. Adam was the one that could put pieces together, and I was that guy knew the right questions to ask the Game Master. In fact, I remember when were all in our early twenties, must have been back in 2006? There was this absolute mess of an ARG we tried to figure out about these 9 evil VHS tapes. The story itself was pretty good but a lot of shit happened with it and eventually it just puttered out to nothing. Fond days.
Maybe I'll bring it up to them, just for old time sake..all this shit is starting to strain us, and I just want to be happy again. That's all I want, to be with the girl I've loved since middle school, and a man I've been proud to call my brother....

Anyway, enough rambling:
I dreamed that I was in an abandoned building there was a plague doctor that motioned me to sit down in the chair. I did so and the chairs wrapped their hands around me and forced me to stare at the man in the plague doctor outfit. He walked very close to me, all I could hear was some kind of distorted noise as he  held a syringe to my neck and, I can't really explain this very well. As he spoke to me with this loud screeching noise I saw pictures of many things, most of which I don't remember.
The gangly giant man pushed the plague doctor away from me and the man in the plague mask disappeared into some sort of glitchy vapor? I don't know how to explain it. The gangly man then helped me up, his grip was very very strong I remember my wrist was hurting. He wagged his finger in front of my face and said "The key is not here, but it is a path to the key."

I should probably post.

How to start this. I don't even know man...
So.
Plans changed, let's talk about this weekend. Veronica left for three days. I don't know if she's fucking another guy or if. She's some kind of prostitute for whatever drug she's on. I don't know. Fast forward to almost 6 o'clock Saturday morning and Adam is carrying his giggling, black goo covered sister through the front door. I bathed her put her to bed and just slept next to her the entire day. Only to wake up at around 4 am gasping for air, Veronica was awake and was stroking my head saying "You had a bad dream, it's okay." and then she wrapped her arms around me. I think it was about that time that I posted that god awful dream.
Sunday, Veronica was back to normal. She couldn't look me in the eye, kept saying she was sorry that she was weak willed. I never let her finish saying that and just kissed her before she could finish her sentence. But I knew what she was saying...She was injecting herself again I just let her. Hell, maybe I'll join her in shooting up...no that's not true I couldn't do that, it grosses me out too much. But still,I really do think she's cheating on me. She always leaves the house, sometimes days on end, I just don't know what to think.
Then there's Adam.
Adam has been cold lately, and standoffish, but not without reason. Since Lisa has been revealed as being pregnant all he does is take care of her. Won't let her out of his sight. But we did talk last night and the things he told me honestly scared me a bit.
We sat at a bar in downtown. and I'll type what I can remember.
He said that  I need to keep close to Veronica, that she is trying to do something that he is proud of but will ultimately not be able to support. What he was referring to he wouldn't explain, and every time I prodded he got more and more angry with me.
He told me to not leave her alone for more than an hour, and that if she goes back out to call him straight away.
I asked him what drug she was using and why she was covered in it. He just sighed and rubbed his temples and said to me "Matthew, I can't tell you. If you hate me for this then fine, but I can't, won't and don't want to tell you what she was covered in. It's not your business." He then put his hand on the back of my head and then I did the same, we did our little headbutt we always do. He assured me it was nothing personal but to just keep my nose clean.


So yeah. Eventful weekend. I want a normal life. I want to smoke weed, I want to play Warhammer, I want to have a normal ass girlfriend, Fuck I didn't goddamn ask for this.

I had no dreams the past couple of nights.

I just woke up from a fucking horrible nightmare.
So, I was underwater in I guess a submarine, There was a giant monitor and it had hundreds of thick disgusting barnacled cables going coming out of the top of the monitor and they were plugged into the scalped heads of all these men and women. I was struggling to breathe but for some reason able to breathe underwater. The water receded slowly and the monitor lit up. The words "Save me" Flashed on the screen and a weird distorted music started playing and I couldn't breathe at all, I was gasping, clawing at my throat trying to breathe, I kept screaming "WAKE UP" but I wouldn't The screen just started laughing at me in this weird robotic hahahahahaha. and I started to struggle around thrashing in my dream desperately trying to get out of it. I think I did but I had sleep paralysis and quickly fell back to sleep and I was in the middle of the tiled room as before. This man was there and he said something odd again but I can't qujite remember what it was, something like I think it was something like Show pan or something I don't remember.

She came back, Adam was carrying her.

About an hour ago I was on the phone with the police. Not but 30 minutes later a knock on the door and Adam was holding Veronica in his arms, she was soaked in that black goopy stuff.
She told me to wash his sister, get her into bed and he would give me some information tomorrow at dinner, but told me I'd only get as much as I need. He then kissed my head, said "Take care of my sister, bro." took Lisa home and left.
Shes in my bed, naked, high as a fucking kite. I've never seen her like this. She keeps giggling and mumbling shit like "I can hear you all."
Literally as I type this I keep looking over at her and she just is a smiling mess. I'm worried about her, my life, my well being. I know I've said it multiple times but, I'm not fucking cut out for this. What the fuck is happening. A month ago, fucking MAY I wouldn't have thought shit like this was possible.
No one told me Veronica had a drug addiction. Why does Adam know where she was? Why did he just hold that goop like he didn't care or was used to it. What the fuck is happening.
I'm going to bed.
If she leaves again I...
I want to say I'll just ignore her. But I won't.
Fucking hate this feeling.

She's gone....

I almost didn't post.

Veronica hasn't been home since noon yesterday. Her cell is off, she's been missing all day. I don't know whether to call the police or not. Adam has told me not too, that he knows where she's gonna be and to just wait but, I dunno...
There is too much to type and I'm just so fucking worried that I dunno what to do, I'll just try to type and hopefully everything will come out coherent.

At noon yesterday Veronica came to me and told me she would be going out and didn't know when she'd be back. She kissed me and told me not to worry that she's a big girl.  I thought she was just teasing and that she was going shopping or something. I should have asked where she was going.

When 10pm rolled around and she still wasn't back I called her phone and kept voicemail. I then called Adam and he rightly flipped out, asked a bunch of questions like "Has she had any emails. Has she had any text messages, has she been taking her drugs." I was so startled that I just answered I dunno.
Before I knew it he was driving back home to drop Lisa off with me while he goes gets Veronica...He wouldn't tell me where he thought she was. He kept telling me "Don't worry about it, this doesn't concern you." Which is unlike Adam.

So now I guess I just wait. I'm not liking these secrets though, I've known these guys my whole life or at least I thought I did. I'll post again later if Veronica shows up. I have to go lay down. This blog helps my nerves because I dunno, I feel like you guys reading are my support group, I dunno.

Meh

Meh.

That sums up Mondays, they should just be called Mehdays.

So, Monday night, in my glorious genius, I left my blog up and Veronica read through it. She wasn't happy to say the least. She screamed things like "I thought you loved me! Why would you just post our dirty laundry on the internet like that!" "You're a fucking moron." etc etc etc.
Which yeah, in retrospect maybe I should have gone to Adam instead of posting it online. But I was worried and concerned and I just wanted answered then and there. After an hour she finally calmed down and sat at my computer still reading this blog. for some reason she started smiling ear to ear the entire time, it was a little unsettling considering she had just been yelling and screaming at me. She had motioned me over and just hugged my waist and said "Keep doing this dream journal, I feel like these dreams are really important." She then kissed my chest and got up and went into the living room and started blaring music again. And that was the rest of the day.
We just sorta did our thing the rest of the night.

Tuesday was just as fucking weird with her. She hadn't taken her headphones off all day, she kept scratching at her arms and chest, She had her T.V. on loudly, her computer blaring music, she listened to her music in her headphones and tried to hold a conversation with me all at the same time. When I finally had enough of that noise and turned it all off. She just stayed completely still, before she started crying, and I mean uncontrollably crying. She kept saying "It's too quiet, I'm too alone, this is too much, I can't do this." and then she wouldn't let go of me all day except for some time Tuesday night where she was totally glued to the computer, couldn't drag her off if I tried, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Hemswoth. Hopefully she'll be able to do something with Veronica. Because I can't. I also had one hell of a fucked up dream that night. I'll get back to it soon, first.

Wednesday is so far pretty easy, Veronica has been sleeping all day. Her music is still blaring through her headphones which are still wrapped around her neck. I've never heard of withdrawal symptoms like this. Oh so some good news:  Adam returned my call, sort of, he left me a Heytell. I guess his wife Lisa got pregnant? I'm meeting up with him on Saturday so that'll explain a lot of what is going on with both him, and Veronica.

Anyway here is the dream I had last night:

The sky was red with fast rolling clouds. I was in front of what seemed to be an apartment complex but it was the size of a sky scraper. I rang the buzzer and no one replied, I rang two more times, hitting random buttons and the buzzer panel just clattered to the floor. Inside the hole the panel covered was a drawing of a key. I reached inside to pick it up and then instantly I was standing in front of the building again, I picked up a rock and threw it at a window. It shattered and a fawn hopped out of the window. It was moving akwardly, like crossing it's legs and sort of crabwalking over to me. I put out a hand to pet it and a low but loud humming noise rang out from the the building before I waking up in a pool of sweat.

So sick of the dreams

Update and a dream

If anyone reads the comments they'll know that Veronica came back Saturday night.
I would like to go into detail on what happened with her.
 
Veronica came back about 7pm. She was wobbling, her eyes diluted, high as a fucking kite. Her clothes were covered in...something disgusting. I had to get her undressed, showered,into bed and we just sort of stayed like that all night. Like. I love her, a lot I always have and I don't want to lose her...But this is getting to be too much... I must have messaged Adam about 100 times. He won't fucking answer. Anyway, so she's fine, hasn't let go of me practically since she has been back. When she sobered up she did ask me for more of her drug I said no that she needed to beat it. And she said something really strange. She said "It's too quiet without it..."  She's since been playing That Poppy nonstop. If it's keeping her from wanting to shoot up. I'm okay with it. But god she's been listening to Lowlife for the past hour, then again I guess we've all done that with a song we really like.

Anyway time for my dream from last night:
I was at the foot of 3 large mountains. The wind was harsh and I can only remember seeing people Slowly walking back and forth twitching and screaming as if they were completely mad. Their insane screams and cackling filling up the air. There was a man, I think it was the same gangly man as before now that I think about it, but he pointed at the mountains and mouthed something I can't remember. He walked closer to me and he said very loudly "8-5-94 and 95, This is a key" He then pointed at the mountains "It's over there" and this is what woke me up.What's stranger still is that I can STILL remember the words the man said. It's the most vivid dream I've ever had, really doesn't even feel like a dream, feels like a memory.

Post again later i'm sure.

I'm barely awake

I just woke up, and Veronica isn't here I don't know where she has gone but her kit is still here.
I am considering just trashing the whole thing..

That's not why I am blogging right now. I just woke up from a dream and I need to write it before I forget it.

So, it started off with me in a room covered in tiled walls. There were four seats in the room I sat in one and a very thing gangly man sat across from me. He was smiling very very large, it didn't seem like it was possible how large he was smiling.
He held up a small cube that had a smile was painted on the cube as large as the mans, and said to me, without breaking his smile, "This is a key, but not right now." He then threw the cube against the wall shattering it into many pieces. He stood up quickly and pointed to the wooden board. Shit, I'm starting to forget the dream.
He pointed to the to the wooden board and said something a long the lines of  "its over here"
I then walked out into the woods and my mother was sitting there, she smiled and said. "Just be careful, okay?"

I also remember, and this is really odd. I remember I was watching a video on youtube, of a parade or something and I was in the crowd with everyone, cheering and overall happy. Two black Hearse looking cars drove around the corner, as they would in like a presidential parade. and then behind it was a white coffin on wheels I would say it was the size and length of a bus. Anyway, the coffin lid was propped up and a man drove around what looked like a princess wearing a tiara and a white sash, and a giant white rose. She, herself held a bouquet of white roses and did that princess wave to the crowd as it passed the lane. Then I woke up.


Anyway my appointment with Dr. Hemsoth is today. I think I'll show her this drug...maybe? I dunno. Maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea now that I think about it. Adam isn't answering again, he's probably asleep. Veronica's not answering either.

At this point I dunno what the fuck I'm gonna do with these people. I wish I could just pack up and leave. I didn't ask for this kind of bullshit.

She still isn't back.

Veronica isn't  back yet...
It's actually really fucking me up inside because I do love her. I've been to every bar, club, friends house I know. Adam has called many people and we can't find her.
I feel stupid
I should have just let her have her drugs man, why did I have to try to help? She could be right here with me if I just let her do what she wanted.

A reader asked me to take a picture of the exposed liquid.
I tried. It started coagulating almost immediately so I don't know. it was really runny too. I don't know what that yellow stuff around the edges what but it started appearing immediately too.

I'm going back out to find her.
I probably won't post until I find her again. Or until I'm too drunk to even care anymore.

Finally photos

A lot shit has happened the past two weeks.
I don't have a lot of time so I'm just gonna write as much as I can, sorry about grammar or whatever.

So two weeks ago I caught Veronica using whatever the hell drug she does. Since then she doesn't even hide it. if I try to take it from her she starts losing her shit and breaking things. I've given up trying to fight it.
I looked for the dealer, that didn't end well. First she won't let me see her phone. Second when I managed to get to it when she slept, she didn't have anyone in her phone that could be her dealer. Nothing obvious at least.  So I can't go that route.

Adam finally did return my call earlier this week.
He's out of town with his wife. I told him everything and he only sighed mumbled something and told me to try to keep her away from the drug as much as possible, and that he would be here by the 20th. We ended our conversation by him telling me keep an eye on her, restrain her if I need to, but not to say or do anything too mean to her. I didn't sign up for this shit man.

Two days ago I managed to grab her "kit". Here's the pictures I promised a while back. I'm lucky she takes long showers.

I have no clue what it is. What I do know is that it's grimy, and smells disgusting and it reminds me of Soy Sauce from "John dies at the End." Except it's not an alien sauce that kills you upon contact. I want to get an analysis done on it but they are very expensive. So if any readers have a clue as to what this is. I'd appreciate some sort of info.

Whats worse, and I don't think I said anything about this last post.
We, stupidly, moved in together. Some would think that's absurd, considering we only were together for a couple of weeks before moving in together, but you have to understand that we've known each other for a very long time. So it just seemed okay, but that was BEFORE I found out that she drugged up with whatever the fuck this is, so now I can't just kick her out on the street, her parents already said she can't move back in. And morally I don't think I can leave someone like this. Not someone who I've known since I was a kid.

I can't get rid of the smell though, it has stuck in my nostrils for days and the sight and thought of something that thick, grimy and grainy going into someones bloodstream really grosses me out. I don't even want to think about it anymore so lets talk dreams.

I've only got a handful to give. But there is a lot of detail to give to you.
In no specific order here are my dreams:


The moon was out but it was bright enough to see your surroundings. I was searching for a book. A large book that had answers in it for something. I think it was a test.
So I flipped over some dirt and I guess I woke it up? because it said in some weird, reversed sounding voice "DON'T WAKE ME UP AGAIN!" and then it spit out the book. I took this book to a podium and started reading the only thing I can remember is "The monolith speaks lies. Look to the sun for answers."

I was in a large corridor wherein there was pool of water. I jumped in and started swimming around
before I felt like I was being drug under the water by some force. I quickly broke free and climbed out of the pool and started running down the corridor into the first door I could find.
I was then outside and there were a number of crudely made statues around. I couldn't make out what they were statues of but they crumbled shortly after. I woke up in a pool of sweat then. I don't know why.

Finally, and this dream has stuck with me the most vivid.
I was sitting in a room, next to me was a young woman with large rimmed glasses. She was sipping out of a straw of what looked like chocolate milk.
She asked me a question.  and I will write the response and the ensuing conversation:
"Do you like the way we sit?"
"I suppose. How else can you sit?"
"Do you like the milk?"
"it is alright thank you"
She smiled largely almost too large and gave me a piece of pie.
"Eat up long day ahead of you"
And so I did and she smiled and handed me a small pamphlet. I don't remember what was on it but I remember that it was sort of shocking.
Then I woke up.

So there you go. Maybe. Just maybe. I'll have something for you tomorrow

I guess..

So it's been 13 days since my last post...Good job Mathew, way to keep up.
I almost didn't bother even writing again, but I decided that, since my dreams are getting more vivid, I can thank the dream journal.

Veronica and I are fighting, again.
She won't stop using this drug, I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some sort of black liquid and she injects it and it's just gross. I caught her 5 more times since I last posted. This morning actually was the most recent time.
She was shooting up this morning on the corner of the bed, I grabbed her arm, threw her syringe away and tried to squeeze some of the liquid out of her veins. Some black gooze did seep out. It smelled foul.
She then went fucking insane. Started hitting me really hard, I didn't hit her back, of course, but holy shit  the woman went ballistic. Tried to get her case from her bag, which I had hidden the night before, Started screaming and crying and breaking all the shit she could searching for it. I eventually just gave in and let her shoot up. I'm going to find her dealer though. This shit is absolutely unacceptable. I'm going to find her dealer, pay him off to not sell to her anymore. and then put her in rehab for..whatever the fuck this thing is. I'm going to try to put a picture of the drug but knowing my schedule it'll be a year before I even post it.

I tried getting a hold of Adam, he won't answer his phone. He hasn't since Thursday, won't answer his door either. This isn't a first for him but shit I wish he would have let me know what to do with his sister. This is fucking ridiculous though having said that I guess, if anyone is reading this. They might want to know WHO Adam is.
Adam and I have been friends since  he moved when he was 5 from Providence, RI.  We're 29 and 27 respectively, so we've been close forever. I've liked his sister for as long as I remember but never in more than a high school crush sort of way.
Anyway he finally set us up, and told me of her problem, should of listened to him.

Anyway enough blubbering.

I've had virtually no dreams the past week, stress induced probably.
I had one 2 nights ago. all I remember is floating eyes and a large iris and pupil staring down on me. but it felt so fucking real. Like I can STILL remember it in perfect detail. Down to the lines in the iris.

it's been 6 days.

So.
Before I begin. I need to get these dreams out there before I lose/ruin the peices of paper I wrote them on:

Saturday and sunday I didn't really sleep well, I didn't dream

Monday- 3rd person dream

I was in a village, the village was on one cobblestone road. I was exploring the various houses, peaking in through the windows. There was no one around but there were a LOT of dolls.
Dolls sitting in chairs, behind registers in shops, littered across the street.
 They were everywhere. Some were porcelain, some were cloth, straw, plastic.
Anyway Suddenly I was going up an stairwell into an attic when my girlfriend called up to me "Don't go into the attic" I looked around to her and said "I'll be fine" and a doll then skittered across the doorway behind her for a split second, for some reason this was unsurprising to me.
I went up the stairs and into the attic where I found a new doll. I picked it up, it pricked me with a needle. and then I woke up.

Tuesday - 1st person dream

I was in a film theater eating a bucket of something called "Bitter Root" I was intently watching the movie, and the number 151 kept flashing in the corner of the screen.
I don't actually remember the footage on the screen though, I just know that the film was a romance movie.

Wednesday -
Nothing

This morning -
I woke up in a room made of glass.
As I looked out of the glass room I saw a sea of land, a literal sea of land. rocks, dirt and land masses ebbed and flowed like waves, it was absolutely surreal to imagine.  I opened the door and walked down the nothing into a seat next to Hideo Kojima. He turned to me and said that it was time. and then I woke up for real. I don't know why I dreamt of Hideo Kojima.

So anyway theres the dreams done, lets continue with real life events.

Veronica used on saturday, We had "consumated" our relationship and after we were done she thought I was asleep. Which truthfully I was and if she hadn't checked to make sure I probably wouldn't have caught her

So anyway, I sneakily watched her from underneath my pillow inject herself before crawling back into bed with me.
I guess Adam was right.
now I gotta figure out what to do. She didn't seem high, and more like she was refreshed...then again I don't know what drug she even uses. So that's been eating me alive for the past couple of days.
 My headaches have been getting worse with every passing day, I started getting nose bleeds if I think about something too hard.
It's a mess.

I'll try so very hard to stay up to date.

I don't know why I keep skipping days

Oops

I already skipped a day, so much for that. I had a dream I missed out on too.

Veronica and decided to make our relationship official yesterday too. that's nice. It's been a long time coming, but it's good to know she finally let me into her life enough for me to be called her boyfriend.

Thinking about it, why do we make a big deal about growing up when we are kids? I mean we go through life getting ready to get into the "Real world" but when we get there it's just high-school all over again. I dunno. Veronica still hasn't shown any symptoms that Adam said she would. I think he was just being protective his little sister.

She's over here now actually, while I write in this blog. Why don't I just do this on a sheet of paper?
I dunno. Maybe because I want people to read my life? Lol I dunno.


Anyway I guess I need to put my dream in today:

So last nights dream was back to form, creepy as fuck. I'm in a room it's dark and I'm sitting in a chair.  I don't remember being able to move, but I also don't remember being tied up or chained or anything. I looked around and I see two men in the room standing in the light. Not that I remember a light ever going on. One is wearing some sort of burlap sack on his head while otherwise being dressed in a tight fitting suit. The other man is wearing a sort of plastic face but you could still see his face behind it? It's hard to explain.

They stood next to each other interlocking arms and they started skipping towards me. It seemed like they skipped forever and I forgot what happens next.
I do remember that I was then infront of a computer, and I was typing up my blog when a video popped up on my phone.

What little I remember: there was like 5? children and one adult.
one of the kids held the adults hand and they walked away together.
Then there was some sort of cube forming out of the ground and someone asking for SOS
and then I woke up.

These dreams are making less and less sense, I don't know why I'm even bothering with this stupid journal.
Dr. Hemsoth says I gotta though, I don't pay her to just make me feel good I guess..

My first post!

I can't believe I'm doing this, I've always said blogging is so dumb.
But fuck it, I'll give it a shot, better than keeping a journal anyway.
And if what Dr. Hemsoth  said is true, maybe this'll sort out my dreams in a way that they will go away.

So I guess last night was weird. I played some games for a while, got into some Warhammer 40k. I still don't know what race to pick. I'm leaning on just going Imperirum, but the Orkz are pretty great too, I love the idea that their imagination directly affects their reality, to me that's fantastic.

I guess Veronica is an alright girl, she's more than date worthy at the very least, at the very most I could see myself with her for a good long while. I dunno it all depends on where we go with it. Not that I haven't tried my entire life to be with her mind you. I don't know if what Adam said was true about her problem, but I didn't see any signs of it on her arms. Anyway we went for a date (if you could call it that) at The Hatchery, steak was pretty good, I wanted it medium rare, they gave me medium well, can't complain was still good.
I don't remember what Veronica got, I think it was fish.
Whatever.
So we finished up and I paid for her, and we went back to her house so we could finish watching 3 headed shark attack, it was awful, as was expected, anyway so we go to sleep on the couch and I had a dream. This isn't one of the usual dreams, this one was a bit pleasant. I don't really remember a whole lot but I'll write down what I do remember in hopes that it'll help me out along the way remember what I need to.

So I was in a field, full of green grass and purple flowers. I was riding a bicycle through the field until I came to a cave. Inside the cave was an old gramophone thing, it was playing some pretty nice songs, I don't remember exactly what though.
So I turned to my mom who was sitting on her couch and she said something like "Good time of day isn't it?"
And that's about as much as I recall, over all pretty pleasant compared to what I usually have in my dreams.