She won't tell me what's going on exactly, but she won't let go of me, and she keeps playing shit at high volume again. I called Adam and he came over and we kept her busy enough to turn down the music without it bothering her and things were good for a bit. Adam's been staying with us. Even though Lisa is pregnant...I guess Lisa understands what's going on...? I don't know.
Yesterday, though, she had a fucking fit. She took out her kit, grabbed her syringes and just stared at them, dragging the needle up and down her arm. She was fucking pouring with sweat. I kept trying to take it away from her, she looked fucking psychotic. She didn't even respond. just kept doing it...I lost my temper and said something I've regretted saying since. "Stop this bullshit, or I'm leaving you Veronica. I'm sick of it." As soon as those words left me, I tried to apologize, but she fucking lost it, she started saying sorry over and over and over and threw her syringes at the wall and started slapping her head repeatedly. It was such a surreal scene...was this really the girl I've known my whole life? I tried to restrain her, and that's when Adam burst in. He grabbed one of the needles and methodically injected her with it. Like it was something he has always done.
Today she's fine. she fucked me this morning. something was off about it though, I can't explain it.
And then now she has locked herself up in our room. popping out only sometimes to give me a kiss.
She said something though, not but an hour ago that has been bothering me. "You nourish me. You fill a void that has been empty too long...I'm so glad you can read my messages...even though you don't know you can..."
Like what the fuck does that mean?
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Monday, August 1, 2016
Dream update.
Veronica is home, and everything is happy
Is what I wish I could say...Veronica is home, sure, but she is so paranoid and jumpy that not much is helping, we bought her some sleeping pills to try to calm her down when she gets too jumpy but.. I don't like the thought of drugging up my girlfriend just to calm her down.
She has had enough shit pumped into her anyway. Anyway we're just taking it slow. Lisa and Adam are gone. Lisa I guess couldn't handle a couple of nights at her moms house or something, and Adam just needed a break. I guess they are going to a religious retreat?
I don't know. What I DO know, is that Veronica is jumpy, scared and paranoid. I'm a wreck from worrying over this girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Having said all this though I did have a dream last night. it was a really odd one too.
I remember I was in a dark room by myself watching t.v. on a crusty couch. I don't remember what I was watching but I remember that it was British. The T.v. suddenly started flickering and a man wearing a rubber mask was on T.V. His voice was distorted but..that's not the weird part. He kept slapping the inside of the T.V. glass with a fly swatter. And he kept screaming something like "ORDER PAY ATTENTION TO THE ORDER" Before I woke up.
It was really weird
Is what I wish I could say...Veronica is home, sure, but she is so paranoid and jumpy that not much is helping, we bought her some sleeping pills to try to calm her down when she gets too jumpy but.. I don't like the thought of drugging up my girlfriend just to calm her down.
She has had enough shit pumped into her anyway. Anyway we're just taking it slow. Lisa and Adam are gone. Lisa I guess couldn't handle a couple of nights at her moms house or something, and Adam just needed a break. I guess they are going to a religious retreat?
I don't know. What I DO know, is that Veronica is jumpy, scared and paranoid. I'm a wreck from worrying over this girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Having said all this though I did have a dream last night. it was a really odd one too.
I remember I was in a dark room by myself watching t.v. on a crusty couch. I don't remember what I was watching but I remember that it was British. The T.v. suddenly started flickering and a man wearing a rubber mask was on T.V. His voice was distorted but..that's not the weird part. He kept slapping the inside of the T.V. glass with a fly swatter. And he kept screaming something like "ORDER PAY ATTENTION TO THE ORDER" Before I woke up.
It was really weird
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Veronica was very secretive last night
Last night sucked.
From the beginning of the day. Til all of last night, she was on my computer.
She didn't let me see what she was up to, like at all. But that's pretty usual for her...
She screamed though, and a lot. It was really scary at first but then it just got kind of annoying.
Like she'd type something on her computer, furiously type something mind you and then she'd screamthree times... Maybe Veronica isn't as stable as I thought she was...? Fuck I don't know anymore. She's being discharged today, anyway, so what the fuck do I know?
Medical bills have all been paid for...I guess by her parents? But they haven't come to see her once.
I dunno i'm annoyed and tired, but by the same token. This morning Veronica got out of her bed, curled up into my arms and just slept against me. I think I've just resolved something in my head, I don't care how fucked up or crazy this family is. They were the only ones that stuck by me during school. She's the only woman I've ever had that doesn't....use me...She knows who I am, and what I like, she accepts them and encourages them.
Adam had always stood up for me, I'm not a musclar guy, I'm kind of a twig, I have some muscle sure. Working in a package factory will do that for you, but if it was between me and your regular joe. I feel like I'd lose. Adam though? Adam would always stand up for me, beat the shit out of anyone who picked on me. He would always say "Gotta protect one of your own."
Speaking of those two, I do remember this morning, after I was only barely awake, Veronica was whispering something to Adam while they were staring at me. Adam hesitated before nodding and walking out. He turned around and said. "Never ask me to do anything like this again." I think they thought I was asleep. I just stayed still for a while.
Anyway, I'll update later. Veronica is stirring, I don't want to wake her up with all my typing.
From the beginning of the day. Til all of last night, she was on my computer.
She didn't let me see what she was up to, like at all. But that's pretty usual for her...
She screamed though, and a lot. It was really scary at first but then it just got kind of annoying.
Like she'd type something on her computer, furiously type something mind you and then she'd screamthree times... Maybe Veronica isn't as stable as I thought she was...? Fuck I don't know anymore. She's being discharged today, anyway, so what the fuck do I know?
Medical bills have all been paid for...I guess by her parents? But they haven't come to see her once.
I dunno i'm annoyed and tired, but by the same token. This morning Veronica got out of her bed, curled up into my arms and just slept against me. I think I've just resolved something in my head, I don't care how fucked up or crazy this family is. They were the only ones that stuck by me during school. She's the only woman I've ever had that doesn't....use me...She knows who I am, and what I like, she accepts them and encourages them.
Adam had always stood up for me, I'm not a musclar guy, I'm kind of a twig, I have some muscle sure. Working in a package factory will do that for you, but if it was between me and your regular joe. I feel like I'd lose. Adam though? Adam would always stand up for me, beat the shit out of anyone who picked on me. He would always say "Gotta protect one of your own."
Speaking of those two, I do remember this morning, after I was only barely awake, Veronica was whispering something to Adam while they were staring at me. Adam hesitated before nodding and walking out. He turned around and said. "Never ask me to do anything like this again." I think they thought I was asleep. I just stayed still for a while.
Anyway, I'll update later. Veronica is stirring, I don't want to wake her up with all my typing.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Adam is a moron.
Sorry, guys. I wasn't aware that he had done that.
I only noticed because my inbox blew up with comments this morning when it finally turned on.
But yeah, I remember npw her favorite Cipher being Railfence though. I don't know why I thought that it was One time pad?
Anyway, I will be down for a while. Veronica is still in the hospital but she is doing a lot better recently.
She'll be using my laptop while we're here. So I won't be posting anything for a couple of days.....She won't tell me what happened though..and Adam seems like he is hiding something too..man...I'm not fucking cut out for this. I can't say that enough.
Also what the fuck is this song? Why did so many people email me about how good it is?
It's not that great..
Edit: While, generally, I don't really approve of using someone's account. I feel like I have to correct my dear brother, and my bae Matthew.
It's neither Railfence, nor One Time Pad. My favorite code that I liked to crack was Vigenére, because there was so much that could be done with Vigenére.
;)
Edit: While, generally, I don't really approve of using someone's account. I feel like I have to correct my dear brother, and my bae Matthew.
It's neither Railfence, nor One Time Pad. My favorite code that I liked to crack was Vigenére, because there was so much that could be done with Vigenére.
;)
Thursday, July 28, 2016
I won't be posting for a while...
Veronica is in the hospital...
Im gonna post from my phone, sorry for typos, im too tired to care.
About 4 am last night I woke uo to her screaming and holding her head. She wouldnt stop screaming, she started bleeding for her ears and nose and...i just....no one needs to feel as helpless as i did 6 hours ago.
Shes stable and not bleeding anymore, but the doctors dont knowwhen she will wake up or if she will, theyll be doing an MRI later today, I dont have the money to pay for all this....
Adam is here, he is laying on the couch in here, I let lisa have the arn chair and i slept on the carpet, right next to her bed.
Im so tir3d from all thsi shit.
Im gonna post from my phone, sorry for typos, im too tired to care.
About 4 am last night I woke uo to her screaming and holding her head. She wouldnt stop screaming, she started bleeding for her ears and nose and...i just....no one needs to feel as helpless as i did 6 hours ago.
Shes stable and not bleeding anymore, but the doctors dont knowwhen she will wake up or if she will, theyll be doing an MRI later today, I dont have the money to pay for all this....
Adam is here, he is laying on the couch in here, I let lisa have the arn chair and i slept on the carpet, right next to her bed.
Im so tir3d from all thsi shit.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
What a fucked dream.
I took what few comments I had yesterday and went through her phone.
Veronica is smart. She had no text messages, no emails, no nothing. That was uneventful.
I still think she is seeing other men or fucking her dealer. I don't know, first girlfriend I've ever had that shot up. She keeps telling me she loves me and that she'd never betray me, I just have this horrible image in my mind of her riding some junkie looking fucker in a hot tub of black sludge.
I know I'm probably just over reacting but what else am I supposed to think or do?
Veronica was on the computer pretty much all night. Granted she kept getting up kissing me and getting food or something, all while blasting music through her headphones, but she kept shutting our bedroom door, which is weird but maybe she just liked having the door shut? Odd thing is that whenever she was in the kitchen she would be looking out the window or peaking out of the blinds, she seemed really paranoid.
About 11 we curled up and watched "Stage Fright" It's a horror musical, and really shit. I asked her, playfully, what she was doing on the computer all night her response to my prodding was simply. "renewing my love for those puzzles we played." She smiled really...warmly to herself and then just cuddled up to my chest, and it was really nice. If the world had stopped in that moment, I would have been okay with that. However, life has a funny way of fucking up your mood, not but 30 minutes after we the movie ended she started shooting up. She actually made me draw the liquid for her. It was fucking gross. It had this awful..coagulated feeling that made me want to puke, and the SMELL it smelled like a dead animal, it was disgusting. She then injected and then we went to bed.
That night I had a dream: I was in a factory on a catwalk, on an opposite end of this fat walrus in a suit who stood on his tail fins and screamed down at the workers. He would demand things like "Jump" and they would jump. "Work faster!" Work Slower! Stop! Go!" shouting out hundreds of commands and the workers would just obey him. As the dream went on the commands started getting weirder "Get naked! chop of your finger! kill him! fuck her!" And the workers would just do exactly what this walrus would say. After a while of watching this fat fuck barking orders I noticed the Gangly man was standing behind the walrus, but still in the shadows. He held up a key and nodded his long head once before fading away. This next part is the part that horrified me, I can still feel my chest seizing up, even though I KNEW it was a dream... After Gangly Man faded the Walrus turned to me, his face suddenly getting MUCH closer to mine and he locked eyes with me. I couldn't turn away, I couldn't move I was completely stuck, The Walrus slowly smiled a very sinister...very horrifying grin and said "Hello" before I was shook awake by Veronica.
She asked if I was okay and if I had any dreams, I told her I was fine and that I have nightmares all the time. She didn't seem happy. She shot up again and then went in the computer room. She came back about 30 minutes later, curled up close and said something...I couldn't quite make it out. She was asleep before I could ask, but she didn't let go of my hand all night.
Oh and good news. my headaches are back, and they hurt like a fucking bitch.
One good day after another with me isn't it.
Veronica is smart. She had no text messages, no emails, no nothing. That was uneventful.
I still think she is seeing other men or fucking her dealer. I don't know, first girlfriend I've ever had that shot up. She keeps telling me she loves me and that she'd never betray me, I just have this horrible image in my mind of her riding some junkie looking fucker in a hot tub of black sludge.
I know I'm probably just over reacting but what else am I supposed to think or do?
Veronica was on the computer pretty much all night. Granted she kept getting up kissing me and getting food or something, all while blasting music through her headphones, but she kept shutting our bedroom door, which is weird but maybe she just liked having the door shut? Odd thing is that whenever she was in the kitchen she would be looking out the window or peaking out of the blinds, she seemed really paranoid.
About 11 we curled up and watched "Stage Fright" It's a horror musical, and really shit. I asked her, playfully, what she was doing on the computer all night her response to my prodding was simply. "renewing my love for those puzzles we played." She smiled really...warmly to herself and then just cuddled up to my chest, and it was really nice. If the world had stopped in that moment, I would have been okay with that. However, life has a funny way of fucking up your mood, not but 30 minutes after we the movie ended she started shooting up. She actually made me draw the liquid for her. It was fucking gross. It had this awful..coagulated feeling that made me want to puke, and the SMELL it smelled like a dead animal, it was disgusting. She then injected and then we went to bed.
That night I had a dream: I was in a factory on a catwalk, on an opposite end of this fat walrus in a suit who stood on his tail fins and screamed down at the workers. He would demand things like "Jump" and they would jump. "Work faster!" Work Slower! Stop! Go!" shouting out hundreds of commands and the workers would just obey him. As the dream went on the commands started getting weirder "Get naked! chop of your finger! kill him! fuck her!" And the workers would just do exactly what this walrus would say. After a while of watching this fat fuck barking orders I noticed the Gangly man was standing behind the walrus, but still in the shadows. He held up a key and nodded his long head once before fading away. This next part is the part that horrified me, I can still feel my chest seizing up, even though I KNEW it was a dream... After Gangly Man faded the Walrus turned to me, his face suddenly getting MUCH closer to mine and he locked eyes with me. I couldn't turn away, I couldn't move I was completely stuck, The Walrus slowly smiled a very sinister...very horrifying grin and said "Hello" before I was shook awake by Veronica.
She asked if I was okay and if I had any dreams, I told her I was fine and that I have nightmares all the time. She didn't seem happy. She shot up again and then went in the computer room. She came back about 30 minutes later, curled up close and said something...I couldn't quite make it out. She was asleep before I could ask, but she didn't let go of my hand all night.
Oh and good news. my headaches are back, and they hurt like a fucking bitch.
One good day after another with me isn't it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Dream update among other things.
I was woken up by Veronica who was already at it shooting up. I tried to take it away. She didn't scream, or freak out. She just held my head between her hands and said "Baby, I need it. I'm trying, but I need it. Give it back to me now."I just sighed and let go of the bag and let her finish her injection. Maybe I will just try it with her. It's obviously too difficult to fight for her. and the whenever she does go sober she ends up going "Somewhere" and coming back covered in the junk.
I asked Veronica where she went, and if she was fucking other men. She was angry about that last part, saying that I need to trust her, that how dare I think so low of her, I don't have the right to ask her that. Shit like that, apparently I ask inappropriate questions a lot. Not that I really think so, but what the fuck ever. So, anyway I still don't know where she has been, or what she has been up to.
She keeps checking her phone too, I want to snatch it from her but...I don't know. Guys, what do you think? Should I steal her phone and go through her mail and text messages? Is that a dirty tactic? I really don't know what to think anymore. I've never been in this sort of a position.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated, annoyed and pissed off that my girlfriend and best friend, of whom I've known basically my whole life, have this weird secret life that I'm only now finding out about it. I'm all sorts of twisted up inside because of this bullshit.
What am I saying, lol, you guys don't care about all the sob story. You guys just want my dreams...I guess that's the only reason you guys read the blog? lmao. You think it's an ARG or something? I don't know why else most of the traffic would come from /r/ARG? haha, its great though I remember playing ARG's, used to be REALLY into them, I haven't played one in ages. Veronica, Adam and I would all stay up and try to crack the codes and solve the clues. Veronica was always the best at cracking the codes, her favorite code to crack was something like one pad, I really don't remember much been a while. Adam was the one that could put pieces together, and I was that guy knew the right questions to ask the Game Master. In fact, I remember when were all in our early twenties, must have been back in 2006? There was this absolute mess of an ARG we tried to figure out about these 9 evil VHS tapes. The story itself was pretty good but a lot of shit happened with it and eventually it just puttered out to nothing. Fond days.
Maybe I'll bring it up to them, just for old time sake..all this shit is starting to strain us, and I just want to be happy again. That's all I want, to be with the girl I've loved since middle school, and a man I've been proud to call my brother....
Anyway, enough rambling:
I dreamed that I was in an abandoned building there was a plague doctor that motioned me to sit down in the chair. I did so and the chairs wrapped their hands around me and forced me to stare at the man in the plague doctor outfit. He walked very close to me, all I could hear was some kind of distorted noise as he held a syringe to my neck and, I can't really explain this very well. As he spoke to me with this loud screeching noise I saw pictures of many things, most of which I don't remember.
The gangly giant man pushed the plague doctor away from me and the man in the plague mask disappeared into some sort of glitchy vapor? I don't know how to explain it. The gangly man then helped me up, his grip was very very strong I remember my wrist was hurting. He wagged his finger in front of my face and said "The key is not here, but it is a path to the key."
I asked Veronica where she went, and if she was fucking other men. She was angry about that last part, saying that I need to trust her, that how dare I think so low of her, I don't have the right to ask her that. Shit like that, apparently I ask inappropriate questions a lot. Not that I really think so, but what the fuck ever. So, anyway I still don't know where she has been, or what she has been up to.
She keeps checking her phone too, I want to snatch it from her but...I don't know. Guys, what do you think? Should I steal her phone and go through her mail and text messages? Is that a dirty tactic? I really don't know what to think anymore. I've never been in this sort of a position.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated, annoyed and pissed off that my girlfriend and best friend, of whom I've known basically my whole life, have this weird secret life that I'm only now finding out about it. I'm all sorts of twisted up inside because of this bullshit.
What am I saying, lol, you guys don't care about all the sob story. You guys just want my dreams...I guess that's the only reason you guys read the blog? lmao. You think it's an ARG or something? I don't know why else most of the traffic would come from /r/ARG? haha, its great though I remember playing ARG's, used to be REALLY into them, I haven't played one in ages. Veronica, Adam and I would all stay up and try to crack the codes and solve the clues. Veronica was always the best at cracking the codes, her favorite code to crack was something like one pad, I really don't remember much been a while. Adam was the one that could put pieces together, and I was that guy knew the right questions to ask the Game Master. In fact, I remember when were all in our early twenties, must have been back in 2006? There was this absolute mess of an ARG we tried to figure out about these 9 evil VHS tapes. The story itself was pretty good but a lot of shit happened with it and eventually it just puttered out to nothing. Fond days.
Maybe I'll bring it up to them, just for old time sake..all this shit is starting to strain us, and I just want to be happy again. That's all I want, to be with the girl I've loved since middle school, and a man I've been proud to call my brother....
Anyway, enough rambling:
I dreamed that I was in an abandoned building there was a plague doctor that motioned me to sit down in the chair. I did so and the chairs wrapped their hands around me and forced me to stare at the man in the plague doctor outfit. He walked very close to me, all I could hear was some kind of distorted noise as he held a syringe to my neck and, I can't really explain this very well. As he spoke to me with this loud screeching noise I saw pictures of many things, most of which I don't remember.
The gangly giant man pushed the plague doctor away from me and the man in the plague mask disappeared into some sort of glitchy vapor? I don't know how to explain it. The gangly man then helped me up, his grip was very very strong I remember my wrist was hurting. He wagged his finger in front of my face and said "The key is not here, but it is a path to the key."
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